Each and every morning I get up and choose to fight.
I choose to put one foot in front of the other, even though
I would rather be in bed.
I choose to look my best, despite feeling sick to the
stomach and existing with constant bags under my eyes.I choose to interact with those around me, even when I can’t keep up with the conversation.
I choose to smile and say I am fine, even though that is far from the truth.
I choose to keep my illness invisible.
Why is this? Why do I fight so hard each and every day to
keep moving forward? To keep putting one foot in front of the other?
I choose to keep my illness invisible…because when it does
become visible we have a problem!
Very few people have seen the full effects of this illness
(Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) on my life. I could probably count them on one hand
the people who have seen the depths of this illness. Even my housemates and my
family have not seen it.
See, this illness is invisible. All the symptoms
aren't visible to the naked eye. And so that means I look like anyone else
around me. You could walk past me in the street, and wouldn't think twice. We
could have a perfectly enjoyable conversation, and you still wouldn't notice. I
could turn up to work, to church, to a party, and still it would not be obvious
at all. Yes, I may have heavy under eye foundation on, yes, I might spend more
time sitting down than standing, and yes, I might occasionally miss a part of a
conversation, or forget the word that I was trying to express, but you wouldn't
think much of it.
It is when you delve below the surface and look at what is
going on that you truly see this disease…and it is not a pretty sight!
The pain that is sweeping through my body that four
different types of painkillers are not making a dent on. Muscular and joint
pain, throbbing, aching, burning. The sharp stinging pain in the soles if my
feet from standing too long, the constant headache, the ache in my back from
the hard plastic chair.
The fatigue that leaves me nauseous and out of breath, when
the simple task of breathing has become a laboured affair.
The cognitive brain fog which has me mixing words, being
unable to calculate simple arithmetic, confused, and directionally challenged.
Constantly trying to keep pace with the world around me, keep up with the
conversation, and remember where I was heading and what I was doing.
The emotions that can leave me crying uncontrollably, at
anything, because I am that tired that I am unable to function.
The heightened sensitivity to light, sound and smell that
sends pain signals through my body
The upset stomach that spasms, unable to decide if it is
happy with food today or not. The gut wrenching pain that has me doubled over
in the bathroom.
The dizziness every time I stand or bend over. The need to
stop and lean against the wall on the trip from my bed to the bathroom in the
middle of each night.
A body collapsing in on itself.
All of this happening inside of me.
Naked to the human eye.
Sometime I wonder what I would look like if all these
symptoms externalised themselves. If what I felt was what those around me would
see.
That is an image that scares even me...
So instead I choose to fight to keep my illness hidden. To
cover up the bags under my eyes, to keep putting one foot in front of the
other.
To keep fighting with a smile on my face.
Please remember that my choice to fight to keep my illness
invisible, does not mean it does not exist. It is real.
We all have a choice.
My choice is to keep fighting.
I hope your choice is believing and truly seeing the
invisible.
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| Invisible Illness Week |
