I don’t choose to be difficult. 

“It is with deep regret that I need to inform you…” Tears well in my eyes. The email from the landlord/rental agent confirms my absolute worst nightmare since being sick with a chronic illness. I have to move. AGAIN! This will be the fourth time since getting sick that I need to move. 

Today has been one of those days. One of those days when the reality of life with a chronic illness rears it's ugly head. When even the clues right in front of you just don't add up.


The day started well enough.
I got up. Win!
I coffeed.
I facebooked.
I breakfasted.
I even showered. Double win!
I was ready to face the day. Well, so I thought.

Up to the local shops I went. Petrol was still cheap, so I filled up.

There were just a few things on my shopping list...it was achievable. Well. It should have been. I had just had 3 glorious days filled with fun and adventure over the weekend. And then I had spent yesterday recovering, in my pjs all day, watching Scandal and doing a puzzle. On paper, today should have been a shoe in. No questions asked. But hey, I have a chronic illness and sometimes I miss the clues right in front of me.

I arrived at the local shops to find parking. All the disabled spots were gone. I inwardly cringed. "It would have been nice to be able to get one of them," I unusually thought. There was clue number 1.

Ok, logistics, I need to hit up the pharmacy. The discount pharmacy is up the hill 200m or so. I might instead just go to the more expensive one inside the shopping complex. Clue number 2.

I pick out some flowers, and head into the fruit and vegetable store. I grab the first items that come to me, not stopping to weigh up the cost. Clue number 3.

The daze has come over me by the time I have finished at the fruit shop. I struggle to have a conversation with the cashier. Clue number 4.

I wander up to the supermarket. Only 3 things on my list. I wander aimlessly up and down the aisles trying to find those items. I have to go back and do the first aisle a second time to find the item I was looking for. Finally I find it. I walk out with two of the items not bothering to make a substitution for the third. Clue number 5.

My eyes are beginning to burn. I feel like I could close them for a very long time. Just one last stop. The pharmacy for the tape for my now dodgy thumb that just keeps popping in and out of place. I should probably go to the doctor/physio/chiro for it, but I am so over needing to explain new and random symptoms my body keeps doing. Instead for the moment tape will do. By this stage my eyes are beginning to water. My mind is a fuzzy mess. Clue number 6.

I stop at the coffee shop for my usual coffee. I stare and pause for what seems like forever at the cashier when she asks whether I want sugar. By this point I don't even want a coffee. Clue number 7.

I balance coffee in one hand, trolley with the other, wishing the hundred metres between me and the car would disappear. Or I would run into someone who would just take my groceries over to my car. I walk over half leaning/half holding on for dear life to the trolley. Clue number 8.

I collapse into the car. Groceries are in, trolley is returned to the bay. I just want to sit with my eyes closed for a moment. A car is waiting to take my parking spot. I reluctantly leave. A moment more I silently beg. Clue number 9.

I drive, constantly second guessing myself, as I wind through the back streets to make it back onto the main road. Praying that God would protect me on the drive home. Clue number 10.

I make it back home. The groceries are left in a lingering trail somewhere between the car and the kitchen. My coffee is left half abandoned on the bench. Clue number 11. To abandon coffee...that's saying something.

I collapse in bed. Spent. In tears. Clue number 12.

As I lie in bed, nauseous, in pain, with burning eyes and a foggy brain. I know I shouldn't have gone to the shops today. But somehow, it's not until the clues of this disease and the symptom upon symptom build up that you can actually tell what your body is doing. Sometimes, it is just so not what it seems or what you expect. Someday's this disease just rears its ugly head....and there is not a thing you can do about it.

We all dream of spending a day in bed. One day when pause is pressed on the world and on your life. One day when demands, deadlines, screaming children, family dramas and the never ending pile of washing are put on hold. One day of your favourite series on Netflix, a new novel, a trashy magazine, a hot cup of tea, a warm blanket to snuggle under, and a rainy dreary day outside. One day in bed. Just one day.

But what happens when one day becomes two days. And two days becomes three, and before you know it a week has passed, then another, and then it's a month. And without warning this stretches to more months, and even on to years. And at that point you start dreaming for just one day.

One day when you could go to work and make a difference in the lives of others. One day when you could use your intellect and creativity to present projects and proposals. One day when you could run around in the backyard with your children. One day to celebrate family birthdays. One day to shop, cook, and clean for yourself. Just one day.

Just one day is the dream of so many living with chronic illnesses. One day when the pain, the limitations, the nausea, the fatigue, the repetition and dreariness are all put on hold. A day when you can live with spontaneity. A day where you can follow your dreams. A day when you can get up, shower, get dressed and have energy to face the day. A day where there are no medical appointments or medical bills looming. One day.

Quite often I hear from others around me, “I would love to spend a day in bed.” But when that day is everyday and a reality for so many, the perspective changes.

I don’t know if I will have my one day here in my life time. I don’t know if my chronic illness will allow me that opportunity. I don’t know if my body will be healed.

I do know that there is still hope of One Day. One Day when the new heaven and the new earth are ushered in. One Day when there is no more crying, and no more pain. One Day when the troubles and tribulations of this earth will be swept away. One Day in front of my Saviour, the one whom makes this One Day possible. The one who has set me free. The one whom allows me to make it through one more day, every day…so that one day I will celebrate that One Day.

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

As I sit at my computer my eyes are burning. Maybe it is that I am tired. Maybe it is the tears shed in today's appointment. Maybe I am exhausted. Sometimes I just  don't know with my body. Tired is a really hard concept to express. Especially when your body is so so unpredictable.

I wrote this post awhile ago about what tired feels like...

This is what it feels like...what tired feels like to someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

However, I thought I'd start sharing some quick snapshots of what tired means to me.

Here is the first...stay tuned for more.



This so resonates with me today, I found a bruise on my back...no idea where it came from...but there it is. I must have bumped into something...or maybe it was just my body. The mystery remains!!