When someone you know has a chronic illness what do you think of? 

Chronic (according to my super informative google search) refers to (of an illness) persisting for a long time or constantly recurring.

It goes on and on. It's chronic. 

It's not just a bad day here or there. It has its ups and downs of course. Some days and weeks are worse than others. But the baseline is always there. The symptoms are always there. They don't decrease, they don't disappear, you just get used to managing it, to hiding it, to smiling through the bad days.

Take your imagination for a walk now, and let's visualise this...having the flu everyday of your life. Not just the sniffles, with a bit of a headache, I'm talking aching joints, nausea, splitting headaches, dizziness, unrelenting fatigue. Every single day. It's chronic. Unrelenting.

Now, how do you respond to this...

One week in you spend your time in bed. 

Three weeks in you start to really worry.

A couple of months and your life has changed completely.

What do you do? 

Curl up in a ball and escape from the world? Yes. You do that.

But you are stronger than that. You want to live life. Slowly there is acceptance...but that's a whole other topic in itself.

And so, slowly, you can last longer through an episode of pain. You can do a couple of things whilst the nausea battles. You can smile whilst your body is ravaged by the waves. 

The pain is no less. The disease is still there in its entirety. But you can cope in different ways. You can work within the confines of this chronic life. You find medications that ease symptoms. You find ways to manage this disease in your life. You develop coping mechanisms. You invent life short cuts. Your faith and hope propels you forward. You keep on living...you live the chronic life.

Why? Because this is how it is. This is chronic.

This Christmas I was inspired by an Instagram picture of a set of felt veggies in a garden crate. Here was born the Crochet Vegetable Garden. I had no other inspiration for my newest nephew...so here came this creation.



Step 1: 

Make crochet veggies out of cotton. Pick and choose your veggies. I found these patterns helpful as a starting point.

Crochet Carrots

Crochet Strawberries

Then kind of winged it...sorry for those that like exact patterns, Google a pattern or search on Pinterest and you will find some ideas.
It was fun getting into making veggies. Prior to this I had mainly mastered a granny square and variations. Once you have mastered the basics of increasing and decreasing, it is not too tricky.
The leaves were the best...a whole lot of winging it! Especially the lettuce. Because really lettuce can look like anything.

Once you get into the swing, I found I could do a veggie an evening.

Step 2:
Take a wooden crate and stamp/label your crate.
The teacher in me has a thing against play on language and spelling. Like there is no way I would ever send my child to a Childcare centre called Kids Korner, or other such poor attempts on the English language...if that is their starting point who knows what the quality of education would be like. 

Anyway, rant over. All that considered I couldn't go past my play on language with the "Sown by Kate".

Step 3:
Take a brown towel to make the dirt garden beds, fold into 3-4 folds. Stuff under each one with some poly fill or more cloth, and sew into place. I sewed through each one to keep them in shape, and then attached to the corner. Add some glue to secure, because hey, this is a kid toy and you might want to make things kid friendly!

Step 4: 

With a saddened heart, reluctantly hand this over to the child. I so wanted to keep this for my self.

Master Joshua better enjoy this over the years to come!

I find it is a time I want to clean up my diet, make some new new professional goals and even clean up the house.

Yet, I often find I lack new resolutions with my faith. 

Even more so since getting sick.

I'm over starting a new year with the knowledge that this disease has taken another year of my life. That it has consumed all aspects of who I am. That it has left me tired and weary. Not wanting to engage with God. Not wanting to trust in Him. Not wanting to pray. Not wanting to cry out to God. Yet, I know as I enter a new year, actually as I enter any new day, this is exactly what I need to be doing. Crying out to Him. Bringing my fears and worries and frustrations to Him. And stopping and letting Him speak into my life. Letting His words fill me. Allowing His spirit to do its work in me. Even though the steps ahead seem blurry and muddy...

When I have hit these times I have struggled to open His word. My brain fog, and headaches have made wanting to read impossible. My cognitive load is overdone before I have even started. Then there is the decision where in the Bible do I start. Do I do the open randomly and place my finger somewhere and find I am in the midst of Numbers...might not be refreshing to the soul. Or I open my bible at a book and find I am facing a whole double page of text and my brain just panics! 

I know I am not alone in this. I know there are many out there who are struggling with their faith. Trusting God. Yet struggling in the everyday. Tired, weary, broken and in pain. 

As we start the new year I thought I'd share some devotions that might be of help to you, as they have been to me this past year.

1. Songs of Jesus by Timothy and Kathy Keller

A reading a day through the Psalms. Or in my case a reading every second day through the Psalms. I started the year delving in the psalms. I loved the short format. The passage of Psalm was on the page, the commentary and application and prayer below. Short and sweet. However, as life progressed I think I am now up to July. So...slow and steady, in my case it will become two years in the Psalms. 

Years ago a dear friend and pastor once suggested when I am burnt out to open the Psalms. To read a Psalm, to reread it. To meditate on it, and see how it speaks to you in that day. It might not, but the next day move on to the next Psalm. And get back into Gods word, however, slowly it takes you. 

I found that with this devotional it was way to awaken my soul back in God's word.
Find out more about it here.

2. Hope for the Hard Days- A 30 day devotion for the tired and weary by Rachel Lundy

A few months ago. I was tired and weary. I had just shared with my Life Group ladies that I was indeed tired and weary. I knew I needed to get back into Gods word, but I was currently going through a period of extreme nausea and pain. Only relieved by lying down. Opening Gods word had been the last thing on my mind.

I was thinking through where do I start. And I remembered a little while ago I had downloaded this free resource that Rachel had written. 

Rachel writes over at Cranberry Tea Time, and I love the way she shares, life, family and faith whilst living with a chronic illness. 

This faith is clearly seen in this 30 day devotional she has written. Each day a very short passage of scripture is followed by commentary and real life application on the passage. A short prayer rounds out the days devotion. For those with more cognitive prowess on some days, a suggestion for further reading is provided. Find it here. And did I stress that this e-book is free, a blessing from Rachel to us.

3. She Reads Truth

The ladies at She Reads Truth now have a large number of daily devotionals you can delve into. I recently did their Dancing and Mourning series. There are both books of the bible you can delve into or themed series. I do find with the theme series there are a lot of bible passages for each day, and so often I find this a struggle with my cognition. However, if you access the web version you can click through to each of the passages. There is also an App, but there is a charge for downloading some of the series, so I just stick with the web version. The studies are clearly set out, short enough for the struggling brain and give you a chance for reflection and processing what you are reading. I particularly like that they take a day a week to memorise scripture and spend time reflecting on the week (or in my case, catching up from the week).

Now, those are the ones I have engaged in over the past year...I also asked my Life Group ladies what they recommend...here are some of their suggestions. I have not used any of these...so delve in if they look of interest to you.

First 5

This app encourages you to spend the first five minutes of your day with God. Thinking about that now, how can I not give God the first five minutes of my day. Download it and have a look. A short bible passage, some commentary and some prayer. I am a bit hazy during the first hour of my day...but at some stage in that time I should be able to give God five. Check it out here.

Adrian Plass, When You Walk
I love the intro to this book on the cover..."365 readings for ordinary followers of Jesus who sometimes find the going a bit tough." Uh huh! That sounds like a goer.
The readings are grouped into 30 themes. Each day has a few verses, commentary and then a prayer. Just a page of reading. Find out more here.

Paul Trip Wednesday Emails
A devotional sent to your email every Wednesday. Sign up here.

ESV Men's/Women's Devotional Bible

A year of devotions working your way through the scriptures. I have always thought about getting into this one...just hasn't been in the budget. More info here.

Desiring God on Facebook

Now this is one I have been following along. So often there is a blog post on suffering that really speaks into my day and my life. And it just pops up in my Facebook feed. Go check it out here if you haven't already.

So, a few ideas for you to delve into the new year. Or, if you don't feel like any of the devotions are for you, why not open the bible in the Psalms and let God meet you there. Or open one of the gospels and be reacquainted with Jesus and how real the Gospel is.
My prayer is that in the weary and hard days you will be able to spend some time in God's word and that He will transform you, as He continues to transform me.

May it be a truly happy new year, and not a time of dread! xx

Well, what it felt like to me...yesterday.

As I type this my arms are heavy and sore. Particularly the shoulder that sublaxed and slipped in and out of place last night as I carried my Christmas presents in from the car...a whole day of carrying nephews and it is my loot that sets it off. I must have scored well! My arms are held close to my body, cushioned by pillows, and I peck at my iPad keyboard with two fingers, allowing them to only need to move marginally to write. 

My legs feel like dead weights. I have a headache behind my right eye. My breathing is laboured and effort full. My eyes spin in and out of focus. 

I spend the day alternating between the bed and the couch. Some times weighing up the pros and cons of getting up to take medication vs the fact medication requires food...and food requires energy to hunt, gather and prepare. I get up when the pain gets unbearable. Then there is the nausea.

A tv show that I don't have to follow too closely plays on the tv. Something to make it feel like I am not completely wasting away my day, my life.

Tears come rapidly and without a moments notice...spilled over not much in the scheme of things. Emotionally spent.

Despite how I am feeling, sleep is fitful that evening.

And I wake the following day feeling like I have a hangover (not that I'm exactly sure what that is meant to feel like), my body limp like a Raggedy-Anne doll.

I kind of sprawl out of bed and make it into the bathroom. 

I need to leave the house in an hour... I lean against the shower wall as the water washes over me... "I can do this," I mutter to myself.

I can do this. 

The cycle continues.

I can do this.

This is particularly hard over the Australian Christmas summer period.

My memory goes into over drive as I remember lazy days hitting up the beach. Or going on obscure adventures to eat 'the best' fried chicken on the other side of the city. Or last minute New Year's Eve road trips up the coast stopping in at a roadside carnival, followed by seeing the new year in at a night club followed by sleeping on the beach and watching the sun come up on a new year.

Days of endless summer...well at least the week between Christmas and new year, where a majority of friends (sorry, apart from those serving us in health or policing or retail) get a break as the immediate world shuts down.

Yet, my body doesn't know what to do with itself these days. It yearns to be out there experiencing and living. 

However, my internal alarm system is in overdrive. Don't do it. Don't waste the energy. Don't push your body through the torture. Don't do it. 

Yet, life is for living. I can't stay cocooned in the foetal position in my bed forever, even though that is what my body wants, and that is what my body demands. Now, don't mishear me, I'm not about going against your body. Somedays you are stuck in bed. And there is nothing your body can do about it. And it sucks. But other days you can do a bit of stuff. And that is cool. 

Yet, it's hard to figure out what you can do. How far can you push?

Life is for living...even Jesus says it... 'I have come that you could have life, and life to the full.' John 10:10.

What does my full life look like as a chronically ill individual? I feel that is a topic for another day. 

What does a full life look like over the holiday period? Good question. 

I feel there is a sliding scale...

A scale where you have to weigh up the event and how it will fulfill your desire for social interaction (let's call this social sanity) versus how it will affect you, your health and all the associated sickness side effects (and this shall be known as your sickness survival).

This holiday period. Where are you on the social sanity vs sickness survival scale?

Are you like me, weighing up the pros and cons of every event that you are considering missing out on? If you have a chronically ill friend do you realise the sickness survival implications that attending the event means to them. Could you modify the event to make it more accessible to them?

This scale is not exhaustive, and not conclusive for each event. 

And really, sometimes, you just have to live and enjoy the celebration and deal with the chronic illness survival another day. 

May your Christmas and holiday period be filled with an abundance of joy. And celebration of Life. XX