I ended 2016 in despair. Was another year going to pass me by?

This disease...about to steal another year, it just doesn't seem fair.

The thought of continuing doing the mundane,

The appointments, the medications, the pain.

Over and over and over again.

I have so many dreams, so many hopes, so many ideas,

Yet, a body that would just rather say nope. 

Will those dreams continue to be unspoken?.

Will they never make it to light of day?

I sat there praying for the year to come.

For my heart was heavy and overcome.

My fears were holding me on the ledge,

Uncertainty beckons up ahead.

A word resonated in my heart...soar.

To soar? I questioned...I struggle to walk?!

Yet, two quotations came to mind...

"What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?"

&

In 2017, I will not just take that step.

I will soar. And I need not despair,

I need not stumble through another year.

I will trust that I will soar this year...not in my power or my energy...

in the strength of the Lord, not me alone. 

Whatever that practically will look like,

I'm looking forward to 2017, the Lord and me!

_______

So, what is that looking like...

I'm heading back to Uni!

I've begun the process of working towards a Master of Research.

Why? Why not? I've so missed the field I was working in before taking some time off to look after my health, so with my passion for supporting children who have experienced trauma, in the education setting, that is what I will be focusing on.

If you want to follow this journey specifically you can jump over to Student of the Year.

Anyway, I still need to figure out how this whole studying thing works with the whole MECFS thing...this will be a work in progress and I'm sure a learning curve. 

When someone you know has a chronic illness what do you think of? 

Chronic (according to my super informative google search) refers to (of an illness) persisting for a long time or constantly recurring.

It goes on and on. It's chronic. 

It's not just a bad day here or there. It has its ups and downs of course. Some days and weeks are worse than others. But the baseline is always there. The symptoms are always there. They don't decrease, they don't disappear, you just get used to managing it, to hiding it, to smiling through the bad days.

Take your imagination for a walk now, and let's visualise this...having the flu everyday of your life. Not just the sniffles, with a bit of a headache, I'm talking aching joints, nausea, splitting headaches, dizziness, unrelenting fatigue. Every single day. It's chronic. Unrelenting.

Now, how do you respond to this...

One week in you spend your time in bed. 

Three weeks in you start to really worry.

A couple of months and your life has changed completely.

What do you do? 

Curl up in a ball and escape from the world? Yes. You do that.

But you are stronger than that. You want to live life. Slowly there is acceptance...but that's a whole other topic in itself.

And so, slowly, you can last longer through an episode of pain. You can do a couple of things whilst the nausea battles. You can smile whilst your body is ravaged by the waves. 

The pain is no less. The disease is still there in its entirety. But you can cope in different ways. You can work within the confines of this chronic life. You find medications that ease symptoms. You find ways to manage this disease in your life. You develop coping mechanisms. You invent life short cuts. Your faith and hope propels you forward. You keep on living...you live the chronic life.

Why? Because this is how it is. This is chronic.

This Christmas I was inspired by an Instagram picture of a set of felt veggies in a garden crate. Here was born the Crochet Vegetable Garden. I had no other inspiration for my newest nephew...so here came this creation.



Step 1: 

Make crochet veggies out of cotton. Pick and choose your veggies. I found these patterns helpful as a starting point.

Crochet Carrots

Crochet Strawberries

Then kind of winged it...sorry for those that like exact patterns, Google a pattern or search on Pinterest and you will find some ideas.
It was fun getting into making veggies. Prior to this I had mainly mastered a granny square and variations. Once you have mastered the basics of increasing and decreasing, it is not too tricky.
The leaves were the best...a whole lot of winging it! Especially the lettuce. Because really lettuce can look like anything.

Once you get into the swing, I found I could do a veggie an evening.

Step 2:
Take a wooden crate and stamp/label your crate.
The teacher in me has a thing against play on language and spelling. Like there is no way I would ever send my child to a Childcare centre called Kids Korner, or other such poor attempts on the English language...if that is their starting point who knows what the quality of education would be like. 

Anyway, rant over. All that considered I couldn't go past my play on language with the "Sown by Kate".

Step 3:
Take a brown towel to make the dirt garden beds, fold into 3-4 folds. Stuff under each one with some poly fill or more cloth, and sew into place. I sewed through each one to keep them in shape, and then attached to the corner. Add some glue to secure, because hey, this is a kid toy and you might want to make things kid friendly!

Step 4: 

With a saddened heart, reluctantly hand this over to the child. I so wanted to keep this for my self.

Master Joshua better enjoy this over the years to come!

I find it is a time I want to clean up my diet, make some new new professional goals and even clean up the house.

Yet, I often find I lack new resolutions with my faith. 

Even more so since getting sick.

I'm over starting a new year with the knowledge that this disease has taken another year of my life. That it has consumed all aspects of who I am. That it has left me tired and weary. Not wanting to engage with God. Not wanting to trust in Him. Not wanting to pray. Not wanting to cry out to God. Yet, I know as I enter a new year, actually as I enter any new day, this is exactly what I need to be doing. Crying out to Him. Bringing my fears and worries and frustrations to Him. And stopping and letting Him speak into my life. Letting His words fill me. Allowing His spirit to do its work in me. Even though the steps ahead seem blurry and muddy...

When I have hit these times I have struggled to open His word. My brain fog, and headaches have made wanting to read impossible. My cognitive load is overdone before I have even started. Then there is the decision where in the Bible do I start. Do I do the open randomly and place my finger somewhere and find I am in the midst of Numbers...might not be refreshing to the soul. Or I open my bible at a book and find I am facing a whole double page of text and my brain just panics! 

I know I am not alone in this. I know there are many out there who are struggling with their faith. Trusting God. Yet struggling in the everyday. Tired, weary, broken and in pain. 

As we start the new year I thought I'd share some devotions that might be of help to you, as they have been to me this past year.

1. Songs of Jesus by Timothy and Kathy Keller

A reading a day through the Psalms. Or in my case a reading every second day through the Psalms. I started the year delving in the psalms. I loved the short format. The passage of Psalm was on the page, the commentary and application and prayer below. Short and sweet. However, as life progressed I think I am now up to July. So...slow and steady, in my case it will become two years in the Psalms. 

Years ago a dear friend and pastor once suggested when I am burnt out to open the Psalms. To read a Psalm, to reread it. To meditate on it, and see how it speaks to you in that day. It might not, but the next day move on to the next Psalm. And get back into Gods word, however, slowly it takes you. 

I found that with this devotional it was way to awaken my soul back in God's word.
Find out more about it here.

2. Hope for the Hard Days- A 30 day devotion for the tired and weary by Rachel Lundy

A few months ago. I was tired and weary. I had just shared with my Life Group ladies that I was indeed tired and weary. I knew I needed to get back into Gods word, but I was currently going through a period of extreme nausea and pain. Only relieved by lying down. Opening Gods word had been the last thing on my mind.

I was thinking through where do I start. And I remembered a little while ago I had downloaded this free resource that Rachel had written. 

Rachel writes over at Cranberry Tea Time, and I love the way she shares, life, family and faith whilst living with a chronic illness. 

This faith is clearly seen in this 30 day devotional she has written. Each day a very short passage of scripture is followed by commentary and real life application on the passage. A short prayer rounds out the days devotion. For those with more cognitive prowess on some days, a suggestion for further reading is provided. Find it here. And did I stress that this e-book is free, a blessing from Rachel to us.

3. She Reads Truth

The ladies at She Reads Truth now have a large number of daily devotionals you can delve into. I recently did their Dancing and Mourning series. There are both books of the bible you can delve into or themed series. I do find with the theme series there are a lot of bible passages for each day, and so often I find this a struggle with my cognition. However, if you access the web version you can click through to each of the passages. There is also an App, but there is a charge for downloading some of the series, so I just stick with the web version. The studies are clearly set out, short enough for the struggling brain and give you a chance for reflection and processing what you are reading. I particularly like that they take a day a week to memorise scripture and spend time reflecting on the week (or in my case, catching up from the week).

Now, those are the ones I have engaged in over the past year...I also asked my Life Group ladies what they recommend...here are some of their suggestions. I have not used any of these...so delve in if they look of interest to you.

First 5

This app encourages you to spend the first five minutes of your day with God. Thinking about that now, how can I not give God the first five minutes of my day. Download it and have a look. A short bible passage, some commentary and some prayer. I am a bit hazy during the first hour of my day...but at some stage in that time I should be able to give God five. Check it out here.

Adrian Plass, When You Walk
I love the intro to this book on the cover..."365 readings for ordinary followers of Jesus who sometimes find the going a bit tough." Uh huh! That sounds like a goer.
The readings are grouped into 30 themes. Each day has a few verses, commentary and then a prayer. Just a page of reading. Find out more here.

Paul Trip Wednesday Emails
A devotional sent to your email every Wednesday. Sign up here.

ESV Men's/Women's Devotional Bible

A year of devotions working your way through the scriptures. I have always thought about getting into this one...just hasn't been in the budget. More info here.

Desiring God on Facebook

Now this is one I have been following along. So often there is a blog post on suffering that really speaks into my day and my life. And it just pops up in my Facebook feed. Go check it out here if you haven't already.

So, a few ideas for you to delve into the new year. Or, if you don't feel like any of the devotions are for you, why not open the bible in the Psalms and let God meet you there. Or open one of the gospels and be reacquainted with Jesus and how real the Gospel is.
My prayer is that in the weary and hard days you will be able to spend some time in God's word and that He will transform you, as He continues to transform me.

May it be a truly happy new year, and not a time of dread! xx

Well, what it felt like to me...yesterday.

As I type this my arms are heavy and sore. Particularly the shoulder that sublaxed and slipped in and out of place last night as I carried my Christmas presents in from the car...a whole day of carrying nephews and it is my loot that sets it off. I must have scored well! My arms are held close to my body, cushioned by pillows, and I peck at my iPad keyboard with two fingers, allowing them to only need to move marginally to write. 

My legs feel like dead weights. I have a headache behind my right eye. My breathing is laboured and effort full. My eyes spin in and out of focus. 

I spend the day alternating between the bed and the couch. Some times weighing up the pros and cons of getting up to take medication vs the fact medication requires food...and food requires energy to hunt, gather and prepare. I get up when the pain gets unbearable. Then there is the nausea.

A tv show that I don't have to follow too closely plays on the tv. Something to make it feel like I am not completely wasting away my day, my life.

Tears come rapidly and without a moments notice...spilled over not much in the scheme of things. Emotionally spent.

Despite how I am feeling, sleep is fitful that evening.

And I wake the following day feeling like I have a hangover (not that I'm exactly sure what that is meant to feel like), my body limp like a Raggedy-Anne doll.

I kind of sprawl out of bed and make it into the bathroom. 

I need to leave the house in an hour... I lean against the shower wall as the water washes over me... "I can do this," I mutter to myself.

I can do this. 

The cycle continues.

I can do this.